Today's topic doesn't have a whole lot to do with being a Sandwich Gen'r as much as it being a general commentary on society's attitudes towards the elderly, as seen through my eyes.
Most people I've come across in recent years have more empathy towards my father the older they are. Younger people tend to be more rude, impatient, and condescending towards him, while middle-aged and older people are helpful, patient, and respectful.
I suppose it has to do with one's personal experience. Those who are middle-aged are likely to have elderly parents. There's a good chance they are caring for them. Maybe they live under the same roof. Their children are likely grown and living on their own.
Younger people are less likely to have an ongoing relationship with a person in that age bracket; despite people generally living longer today, grandparents are more often than not far-flung from their familes. Retiring to a warmer climate, middle-generation career opportunities, all have their separating effect.
I am not passing judgement, merely telling it how it is.
I believe it is the lack of young people's experience with the elderly that is the cause of the disconnect.
I felt compelled to bring this up after countless times witnessing people politely yell at my father, thinking he is deaf when all he really needs is words to be spoken slowly so he can digest them, or repeatedly so he can understand. Or doors closed in his face because he moves too slowly for the person before him.
In each elderly person there is a former baby, a 10-year-old gawky kid, a 16-year-old beauty or handsome young man, a 20-year-old trying to make his/her way in the world, a 28-year-old newlywed, a 30-year-old new parent (maybe yours!) a 60-something retiree, an 80-year-old doting grandparent, a 90-year-old physically-failing but mentally-sharp mind who is a treasure to the world.
We need to remember all these humans in our midst.
Junie
Monday, March 30, 2009
Friday, March 27, 2009
Be Back Monday
I never have time over weekends to publish a new post so I need to be sure to get to this today, being it's a Friday!
So, you may ask, how goes it with your Day-Timer? Is it helping track your time? Is it keeping you on task?
For the most part, yes. Do not expect to adhere to it each day without fail, though. Things happen, stuff comes up.
Take yesterday. My first planned task was to publish a new blog post. Well, I had no internet connection until after 11:00. I don't know what the reason was; the modem and wireless router looked fine. Neither computer could connect, though. I needed to be at an 8:45 appointment, then had to take my father out at 10:00, so I couldn't do anything to fix it until after coming back home. I did pray about it, though.
After coming back home I looked at the situation, and everything was working normally! I thanked God for taking care of it for me. That was so fantastic! As for my schedule, I had some extra time at noon since I had planned to take my father to the drugstore and post office, but he was sleeping. So I used that time for my blog.
This morning was another story. Again, I had my blog scheduled at 8:00. After waking up, however, I found my BlackBerry had died during the night. Couldn't turn it on, and when I tried to charge it I got a message saying there was no battery at all. I rely on my wonderful BlackBerry; they're not called "CrackBerry" for nothing.
I called customer service. I was told there is a software problem in the device which can't be fixed. Oh, joy! So they are sending out a new device to me but I won't get it until Tuesday. Then my father had a 10:00 eye appointment, with an additional 3 stops after that.
As you can understand, my morning was shot. I did have my father's errands in my schedule, but not the stuff preceeding that.
So, a schedule provides the framework around which your day is built. Even though it doesn't turn out exactly as you had hoped, you still have the basic structure. Something still remains to work with.
I visualize the Hindenburg tragedy. We all know how it burned entirely, but the frame remained behind. There will always be something salvageable. Make your frame sturdy and fireproof, so you've got something left to work with.
Now you know why you need a structure, plan, or whatever you want to call it. Not just for your big goals but the smaller daily ones. It's the day-to-day that takes us to the ultimate goals.
Junie
So, you may ask, how goes it with your Day-Timer? Is it helping track your time? Is it keeping you on task?
For the most part, yes. Do not expect to adhere to it each day without fail, though. Things happen, stuff comes up.
Take yesterday. My first planned task was to publish a new blog post. Well, I had no internet connection until after 11:00. I don't know what the reason was; the modem and wireless router looked fine. Neither computer could connect, though. I needed to be at an 8:45 appointment, then had to take my father out at 10:00, so I couldn't do anything to fix it until after coming back home. I did pray about it, though.
After coming back home I looked at the situation, and everything was working normally! I thanked God for taking care of it for me. That was so fantastic! As for my schedule, I had some extra time at noon since I had planned to take my father to the drugstore and post office, but he was sleeping. So I used that time for my blog.
This morning was another story. Again, I had my blog scheduled at 8:00. After waking up, however, I found my BlackBerry had died during the night. Couldn't turn it on, and when I tried to charge it I got a message saying there was no battery at all. I rely on my wonderful BlackBerry; they're not called "CrackBerry" for nothing.
I called customer service. I was told there is a software problem in the device which can't be fixed. Oh, joy! So they are sending out a new device to me but I won't get it until Tuesday. Then my father had a 10:00 eye appointment, with an additional 3 stops after that.
As you can understand, my morning was shot. I did have my father's errands in my schedule, but not the stuff preceeding that.
So, a schedule provides the framework around which your day is built. Even though it doesn't turn out exactly as you had hoped, you still have the basic structure. Something still remains to work with.
I visualize the Hindenburg tragedy. We all know how it burned entirely, but the frame remained behind. There will always be something salvageable. Make your frame sturdy and fireproof, so you've got something left to work with.
Now you know why you need a structure, plan, or whatever you want to call it. Not just for your big goals but the smaller daily ones. It's the day-to-day that takes us to the ultimate goals.
Junie
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Organization
Yesterday I went out and bought a desk-size Day-Timer (see photo above!). I has everything I need to stay laser-focused during my day to insure not a minute is wasted. My work takes me out in the afternoons and evenings, while my days are spent at home. This schedule works for me since I am home for my son when he leaves for school and comes home, and when he is home during school vacations and summers. Also, my father is never alone except for when I run errands here and there. I'm sure you've figured out by now that I have no husband; otherwise, none of the issues in my life would be issues at all. The only thing is, I'd have different issues!
As a result, I can't afford to waste a minute of my time. This Day-Timer allows me to plan everything in advance. For each day there is an area to write down my to-do list (I've always used a to-do list, but it was disorganized and kind of chaotic), and lines to write appointments from 8 am to 5 pm. Then I check off each task as I do it. So each evening in advance, I plan out (based on my to-do list) what I will do at what time. If it turns out that I can't get to something, I just add it to tomorrow's to-do list, and it gets planned into that day. I don't need to spend time thinking of what I should be doing next, or bouncing aimlessly from one "fire" to another.
I can't stress to you enough the importance of taking charge of your time in this way. So many people need you, and if you try to be accomodating as I am, no one in your life actually cares about your needs...you have trained them to care only about themselves and what to expect from you.
You must help them to understand that this is what you need to accomplish today. I think it's a good idea to ask at the minimum 1 day ahead if anyone will be needing you for anything tomorrow; give them the times that are available.
If someone then makes demands on you that are not an emergency, as I tell my son, "Don't come cryin' to me!"
These days, "nice" is not a helpful state of mind, for you or your family. They need to learn your boundaries and limits, and respect them.
I had allotted until 1:00 for my blog, and it is only 12:45. Now I can start my next task (the one scheduled for 1:00) sooner. Let's see...that will be...go for a walk and type up some student bills for April. It's very freeing to not have to think anymore.
Junie
As a result, I can't afford to waste a minute of my time. This Day-Timer allows me to plan everything in advance. For each day there is an area to write down my to-do list (I've always used a to-do list, but it was disorganized and kind of chaotic), and lines to write appointments from 8 am to 5 pm. Then I check off each task as I do it. So each evening in advance, I plan out (based on my to-do list) what I will do at what time. If it turns out that I can't get to something, I just add it to tomorrow's to-do list, and it gets planned into that day. I don't need to spend time thinking of what I should be doing next, or bouncing aimlessly from one "fire" to another.
I can't stress to you enough the importance of taking charge of your time in this way. So many people need you, and if you try to be accomodating as I am, no one in your life actually cares about your needs...you have trained them to care only about themselves and what to expect from you.
You must help them to understand that this is what you need to accomplish today. I think it's a good idea to ask at the minimum 1 day ahead if anyone will be needing you for anything tomorrow; give them the times that are available.
If someone then makes demands on you that are not an emergency, as I tell my son, "Don't come cryin' to me!"
These days, "nice" is not a helpful state of mind, for you or your family. They need to learn your boundaries and limits, and respect them.
I had allotted until 1:00 for my blog, and it is only 12:45. Now I can start my next task (the one scheduled for 1:00) sooner. Let's see...that will be...go for a walk and type up some student bills for April. It's very freeing to not have to think anymore.
Junie
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Wham Bam
I want to show you my daffodils blooming in the garden on the south side of the house. But doing so would involve taking a picture, uploading it to my computer, then uploading to the website. Which would require my postponement of today's post.
So I'll leave it to your imagination as to how beautiful they are.
I am committed to staying on schedule and posting every week day in spite of Nature not needing my care or even concern to do her thing. Life goes on regardless of our troubles and burdens.
The father of a friend of mine passed away last week. He was a member of the Sandwich Generation also and we used to share battle stories, especially since his father was the same age as mine. No longer a "member," but he is mourning his loss. He said he figured he'd get through everything ok, "be all manly and stuff" as he said. Until someone came near with a hint of tears.
This was a topic of discussion yesterday with my writer's group. The pain never really does go away. Life is cruel and relentless. One friend said she is sad for her late sister, because she (my friend) gets to be with her sister's grandchildren while her sister can't be them and enjoy them.
The loss I feel for my mother is the same. Not so much for myself as a grown woman, but for the lost relationship she would enjoy so much with my son, and vice versa. Yes, they had 6 years together, but he is almost a grown man now. He was the apple of her eye, and I can just imagine her love for and pride in him now.
I truly hope our loved ones can still look in on us from time to time.
Junie
So I'll leave it to your imagination as to how beautiful they are.
I am committed to staying on schedule and posting every week day in spite of Nature not needing my care or even concern to do her thing. Life goes on regardless of our troubles and burdens.
The father of a friend of mine passed away last week. He was a member of the Sandwich Generation also and we used to share battle stories, especially since his father was the same age as mine. No longer a "member," but he is mourning his loss. He said he figured he'd get through everything ok, "be all manly and stuff" as he said. Until someone came near with a hint of tears.
This was a topic of discussion yesterday with my writer's group. The pain never really does go away. Life is cruel and relentless. One friend said she is sad for her late sister, because she (my friend) gets to be with her sister's grandchildren while her sister can't be them and enjoy them.
The loss I feel for my mother is the same. Not so much for myself as a grown woman, but for the lost relationship she would enjoy so much with my son, and vice versa. Yes, they had 6 years together, but he is almost a grown man now. He was the apple of her eye, and I can just imagine her love for and pride in him now.
I truly hope our loved ones can still look in on us from time to time.
Junie
Monday, March 23, 2009
Remaining Outside of the Flushing Toilet
A few days ago I received by email a newsletter I subscribe to. The author used an analogy of life sometimes being like a flushing toilet; water swirls around, we panic trying to keep from going down that hole. How easily we can succumb to swirling around and around and around, feeling dizzy and nauseous, panicking in the process.
His advice? We have to stay outside the flushing toilet.
Of course, this is all metaphorical...
But allowing yourself to be swept away by details is a sure sacrifice of strength. How to stay sane?
First, put yourself in a comfortable spot. Take a few deep breaths. Allow only uplifting thoughts to enter your mind. The moment a worrisome or negative thought enters your mind, replace it with a positive one. Since we're on the toilet metaphor, you could imagine flushing each negative thought down the toilet.
Now that you're calm, repeat affirmative statements throughout the day. (Yes, get up from your comfy spot). If you need help with this, I highly recommend the affirmations you can acquire at http://www.thinkrightnow.com/ . Sadly, these are the only uplifting affirmations that some people will ever hear.
Negativity, like all forms of evil, seems stronger than good. Seems stronger, but is short-lived, unlike goodness. Goodness is self-supporting. Evil, self-destructive. Usually it's just a matter of waiting it out until it passes, like a thunderstorm. The key is to emerge stronger, not destroyed.
And...please be kind to yourself. Talk kindly, treat yourself as a good friend. Laugh at and with yourself. You are surrounded by negativity. Don't add more to your already heavy load.
Finally, an example about how insidious negativity is in our society, even among positive-thinking people, and a reminder of how you must keep it out. Recently I played with a group of fellow musicians. We performed for a friend of all of ours who is dying. It sounded truly beautiful and our friend loved it. His appreciation uplifted me. After he was wheeled out of the room in his weelchair, more than half of the people announced to the others how badly each thought they played. I was stunned and saddened by this self-bashing. Was I expected to join in and put down my own playing? Inwardly I shook my head and just left them to their misery.
Thank God for your talents; everyone has them. Yes... everyone. Remember that your talents are to serve others. For today, how can you forget yourself and your difficulties and just do the next right thing?
Stay outside that toilet for starters...
His advice? We have to stay outside the flushing toilet.
Of course, this is all metaphorical...
But allowing yourself to be swept away by details is a sure sacrifice of strength. How to stay sane?
First, put yourself in a comfortable spot. Take a few deep breaths. Allow only uplifting thoughts to enter your mind. The moment a worrisome or negative thought enters your mind, replace it with a positive one. Since we're on the toilet metaphor, you could imagine flushing each negative thought down the toilet.
Now that you're calm, repeat affirmative statements throughout the day. (Yes, get up from your comfy spot). If you need help with this, I highly recommend the affirmations you can acquire at http://www.thinkrightnow.com/ . Sadly, these are the only uplifting affirmations that some people will ever hear.
Negativity, like all forms of evil, seems stronger than good. Seems stronger, but is short-lived, unlike goodness. Goodness is self-supporting. Evil, self-destructive. Usually it's just a matter of waiting it out until it passes, like a thunderstorm. The key is to emerge stronger, not destroyed.
And...please be kind to yourself. Talk kindly, treat yourself as a good friend. Laugh at and with yourself. You are surrounded by negativity. Don't add more to your already heavy load.
Finally, an example about how insidious negativity is in our society, even among positive-thinking people, and a reminder of how you must keep it out. Recently I played with a group of fellow musicians. We performed for a friend of all of ours who is dying. It sounded truly beautiful and our friend loved it. His appreciation uplifted me. After he was wheeled out of the room in his weelchair, more than half of the people announced to the others how badly each thought they played. I was stunned and saddened by this self-bashing. Was I expected to join in and put down my own playing? Inwardly I shook my head and just left them to their misery.
Thank God for your talents; everyone has them. Yes... everyone. Remember that your talents are to serve others. For today, how can you forget yourself and your difficulties and just do the next right thing?
Stay outside that toilet for starters...
Thursday, March 19, 2009
You- Staying Young
I have been reading this book for the past few days, authored by Drs. Oz and Roizen. You may have seen them on TLC. Not just reading but following their recommendations are a part of being good to myself that I've recommended from the formation of this blog.
I don't want to be on my sick bed (or worse) and regret not having taken care of my body and mind when it's too late.
Imagine the Hoover Dam, or any large one. The dam is you, Lake Mead is your resources, and the driving force behind your hydroelectric power plant. The river below is where all of your resources drain to. Now, what happens when the water in the lake drops to a low level? No energy produced, a pretty worthless dam. The river downstream dries up too.
Why did the lake dry up? Did the dam break due to lack of maintenence? Or was it a lack of rainfall? What now?
Don't wait until your resources have dried up, when you can no longer walk comfortably, or bend over, or jump, or eat the foods you love, or afford a gym membership.
Do what you can, today and every day. Your time is stretched so thin these days; your priorities will never be you unless you make it so. Unless you take control of self-care -and don't apologize for it either - your resources will be drained before you realize it.
My dam repair takes the form of walking, taking an aspirin, meditating, taking vitamins, drinking green tea, doing chi-gong (ok...I'm trying that out tomorrow), getting 7-8 hours of sleep (working on it), and other beneficial choices.
Yep, I used to feel sheepish about self-nurturing. Not any more.
Till next time,
June
I don't want to be on my sick bed (or worse) and regret not having taken care of my body and mind when it's too late.
Imagine the Hoover Dam, or any large one. The dam is you, Lake Mead is your resources, and the driving force behind your hydroelectric power plant. The river below is where all of your resources drain to. Now, what happens when the water in the lake drops to a low level? No energy produced, a pretty worthless dam. The river downstream dries up too.
Why did the lake dry up? Did the dam break due to lack of maintenence? Or was it a lack of rainfall? What now?
Don't wait until your resources have dried up, when you can no longer walk comfortably, or bend over, or jump, or eat the foods you love, or afford a gym membership.
Do what you can, today and every day. Your time is stretched so thin these days; your priorities will never be you unless you make it so. Unless you take control of self-care -and don't apologize for it either - your resources will be drained before you realize it.
My dam repair takes the form of walking, taking an aspirin, meditating, taking vitamins, drinking green tea, doing chi-gong (ok...I'm trying that out tomorrow), getting 7-8 hours of sleep (working on it), and other beneficial choices.
Yep, I used to feel sheepish about self-nurturing. Not any more.
Till next time,
June
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Traveling While Staying Put
I stumbled across this book while shopping for a birthday gift for my Dad. It was an indulgence for me, a gift that no one would give me but myself, a thank you from life for my troubles.
Do I sound as if I have to justify spending money on myself? It's time to straighten my priorities.
I'm writing about this book because it is so valuable in teaching about finding treasures in your own little world. I don't call it "little" to be insulting. When your attentions are entirely focused on one stressful situation after another within your four walls, then yes, your world has shrunk somewhat.
But don't despair! It takes just a brief moment to watch the squirrels digging holes in the back yard, looking for those nuts in that must be there somewhere. The summer birds are coming back, building nests in the rose bushes by the back door. The moon is lower in the sky while the sun is getting higher. Dig deeper into your daily life. What details have you overlooked when you were scurrying about in your previous life? I'd love to hear what you can see now with new eyes.
Vivian Swift's non-fiction book comes from the perspective of a former world traveler who put down roots 10 years ago in a small town. It is about learning meaningful lessons at home. In her March chapter she introduces us to the 14 types of mud she has found, and how she treasures her collection of over a hundred teacups. She takes you on a junket of small-town living.
Life is in the details. It is important to keep this perspective as a kind of storm cellar while the tornado of life swirls about you.
Stay underground until it passes. Stay safe. It will pass.
Till next time,
June
Do I sound as if I have to justify spending money on myself? It's time to straighten my priorities.
I'm writing about this book because it is so valuable in teaching about finding treasures in your own little world. I don't call it "little" to be insulting. When your attentions are entirely focused on one stressful situation after another within your four walls, then yes, your world has shrunk somewhat.
But don't despair! It takes just a brief moment to watch the squirrels digging holes in the back yard, looking for those nuts in that must be there somewhere. The summer birds are coming back, building nests in the rose bushes by the back door. The moon is lower in the sky while the sun is getting higher. Dig deeper into your daily life. What details have you overlooked when you were scurrying about in your previous life? I'd love to hear what you can see now with new eyes.
Vivian Swift's non-fiction book comes from the perspective of a former world traveler who put down roots 10 years ago in a small town. It is about learning meaningful lessons at home. In her March chapter she introduces us to the 14 types of mud she has found, and how she treasures her collection of over a hundred teacups. She takes you on a junket of small-town living.
Life is in the details. It is important to keep this perspective as a kind of storm cellar while the tornado of life swirls about you.
Stay underground until it passes. Stay safe. It will pass.
Till next time,
June
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Pain As A Teacher
Now, I am a teacher. Really good teachers are respectful but firm with their students. I have had to raise my voice with only one student, ever. I was teaching her the same short song every week, with no progress. She couldn't (or wouldn't) remember how to play basic notes, the first ones taught in every beginning lesson book ("open strings" for anyone who happens to play a string instrument).
Over and over we went on this one song. I calmly kept reminding her how to play the notes she was stuck on. Every time she tried to play, it was a different set of notes she stumbled over. She was calm and intelligent. I believe she was just plain lazy and didn't feel inclined to spend her brain waves on such trivial stuff.
So I finally had it. I raised my voice somewhat, at a volume that was loud for me. She looked shocked. Oh, really?
Guess what? She finally heard me. Miraculously, she could suddenly play the song perfectly.
Pain is a great teacher when more subtle tactics don't work.
The back pain that I had been suffering from the past week has greatly subsided. I deferred to its teaching by sitting and resting more during the day, and by doing some stretching recommended by internet research and my physical-therapist next-door neighbor.
My back is saying THANK YOU!!! It had to inflict this pain on me for me to take it easier while I'm at home. The tightness in my back needed tending to. I needed to be inspired to research a cure. Just knowing I should start stretching "one of these days" is not valid any more than my student coasting along week after week.
A Buddhist friend of mine said recently that when our body is having pain, instead of being angry, we should welcome it and ask what it is trying to teach us.
What are your great motivators to change? Great resistance requires greater force. I believe we unwittingly invite pain when less force goes unheeded.
Over and over we went on this one song. I calmly kept reminding her how to play the notes she was stuck on. Every time she tried to play, it was a different set of notes she stumbled over. She was calm and intelligent. I believe she was just plain lazy and didn't feel inclined to spend her brain waves on such trivial stuff.
So I finally had it. I raised my voice somewhat, at a volume that was loud for me. She looked shocked. Oh, really?
Guess what? She finally heard me. Miraculously, she could suddenly play the song perfectly.
Pain is a great teacher when more subtle tactics don't work.
The back pain that I had been suffering from the past week has greatly subsided. I deferred to its teaching by sitting and resting more during the day, and by doing some stretching recommended by internet research and my physical-therapist next-door neighbor.
My back is saying THANK YOU!!! It had to inflict this pain on me for me to take it easier while I'm at home. The tightness in my back needed tending to. I needed to be inspired to research a cure. Just knowing I should start stretching "one of these days" is not valid any more than my student coasting along week after week.
A Buddhist friend of mine said recently that when our body is having pain, instead of being angry, we should welcome it and ask what it is trying to teach us.
What are your great motivators to change? Great resistance requires greater force. I believe we unwittingly invite pain when less force goes unheeded.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Take Time or Time Will Take You
I haven't been aggressive enough about publishing a daily post. I do allow myself weekends off from my blog since I work all day Saturdays and while I am home there are just too many demands on my time.
So today I'm making this the first thing I do, even before breakfast. As soon as I hit the kitchen it will be about cleaning, picking up, etc. For example, my dad often misses the trash can as he can't see well. Almost always there is a mess to be picked up next to it.
Yesterday was just impossible, even for me, who is used to such things. Besides my usual paperwork on Monday mornngs, I had to drive my car 1/2 hour away to a body shop for repair (someone backed out of her driveway and right into my car while it was parked on the street in front of a friend's house). Of course I had to ask a friend to bring me back home, then served him lunch. My father's newspaper wasn't delivered so he needed me to go out and buy one. So I had to chase said friend out because our driveway is a one-car-at-a-time setup.
After running that errand I had a writer's meeting to attend. This is the one thing I do that benefits absolutely no one but me and my fellow writers, and my dear blog readers as I hopefully hone my writing skills.
My phone rang twice while I was at the meeting and I ignored it as it was a relative who needs seemingly constant attention from me, for the past 27 years. I returned his call on the way home and was on the phone for almost an hour. He is very needy emotionally and financially and views me as his lifesaver.
I've mentioned before how I attract needy people, right? This will be another blog post about setting boundaries, about which I am no expert, believe me. But, this relative is able to hijack so much of my time and my finances because he becomes very frightening and threatening when I try to sever ties. Deciding between just sucking it up or being fearful of what he says he will do to me, I choose the first option.
While on the phone with him, I said I had to call my father's doctor - still no word about his infection. "Go ahead and call," my relative says. "I'll wait." If I insist that I have to hang up he will become angry, based on past experience.
So I called my father's doctor, one phone at one ear, another at the other ear. My father came to me and while talking to his doctor's office, asked me to ask them about some OTC medication he didn't understand. No problem. Talking to 3 people at once? What, you can't handle that?
I was very tired yesterday after everything. My son showed me his tentative classes for next year, which needed to be signed. I reviewed it - no history? Why are there 2 phys ed classes? What about the foreign language requirement? Why is Algebra I here, shouldn't it be Alg II? My son made a list of questions for his guidance counciler (is that spelled correctly?). I didn't sign my approval. Consult graduation requirements, read course descriptions.
Two more phone calls from my relative. To my credit, I do not always answer when he calls, but he needs an explanation as to why, or he will demand an explanation. Not answering the phone when he calls carries the same burden as, say, committing a crime.
I am so very very tired. I know someone whose mother is dying, who is also an only child, and he has FIVE kids. His wife, he believes, has NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) and stays locked in her room 8-10 hours a day, leaving him to handle everything. She is "punishing" him for "neglecting" her because his priority right now is his mother.
I understand, completely, what he is going through. For those with a tender heart, it seems always the burden to bear.
Till next time - tomorrow, I hope,
June
So today I'm making this the first thing I do, even before breakfast. As soon as I hit the kitchen it will be about cleaning, picking up, etc. For example, my dad often misses the trash can as he can't see well. Almost always there is a mess to be picked up next to it.
Yesterday was just impossible, even for me, who is used to such things. Besides my usual paperwork on Monday mornngs, I had to drive my car 1/2 hour away to a body shop for repair (someone backed out of her driveway and right into my car while it was parked on the street in front of a friend's house). Of course I had to ask a friend to bring me back home, then served him lunch. My father's newspaper wasn't delivered so he needed me to go out and buy one. So I had to chase said friend out because our driveway is a one-car-at-a-time setup.
After running that errand I had a writer's meeting to attend. This is the one thing I do that benefits absolutely no one but me and my fellow writers, and my dear blog readers as I hopefully hone my writing skills.
My phone rang twice while I was at the meeting and I ignored it as it was a relative who needs seemingly constant attention from me, for the past 27 years. I returned his call on the way home and was on the phone for almost an hour. He is very needy emotionally and financially and views me as his lifesaver.
I've mentioned before how I attract needy people, right? This will be another blog post about setting boundaries, about which I am no expert, believe me. But, this relative is able to hijack so much of my time and my finances because he becomes very frightening and threatening when I try to sever ties. Deciding between just sucking it up or being fearful of what he says he will do to me, I choose the first option.
While on the phone with him, I said I had to call my father's doctor - still no word about his infection. "Go ahead and call," my relative says. "I'll wait." If I insist that I have to hang up he will become angry, based on past experience.
So I called my father's doctor, one phone at one ear, another at the other ear. My father came to me and while talking to his doctor's office, asked me to ask them about some OTC medication he didn't understand. No problem. Talking to 3 people at once? What, you can't handle that?
I was very tired yesterday after everything. My son showed me his tentative classes for next year, which needed to be signed. I reviewed it - no history? Why are there 2 phys ed classes? What about the foreign language requirement? Why is Algebra I here, shouldn't it be Alg II? My son made a list of questions for his guidance counciler (is that spelled correctly?). I didn't sign my approval. Consult graduation requirements, read course descriptions.
Two more phone calls from my relative. To my credit, I do not always answer when he calls, but he needs an explanation as to why, or he will demand an explanation. Not answering the phone when he calls carries the same burden as, say, committing a crime.
I am so very very tired. I know someone whose mother is dying, who is also an only child, and he has FIVE kids. His wife, he believes, has NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) and stays locked in her room 8-10 hours a day, leaving him to handle everything. She is "punishing" him for "neglecting" her because his priority right now is his mother.
I understand, completely, what he is going through. For those with a tender heart, it seems always the burden to bear.
Till next time - tomorrow, I hope,
June
Friday, March 6, 2009
The Need to be Crabby
Most of you reading here wouldn't necessarily know this about me, but I'm usually described as easygoing and calm. That's fine most of the time. As my responsibilities have increased over the years I have had to fight harder battles to ensure that things that need to be done will get done.
The battles are no longer with my procrastination and other internal roadblocks on the path. By now, I can pretty much trust that I will tend to what needs to be done. It's the others on whom I depend, the professionals, who need to be pushed along. Then my crabby pincers come uncloaked. I don't like it, but when our loved ones are not able to do it for themselves, we are required to step in.
Even before noon today I had to nip at two people.
My dad has an infection (according to "Dr." June Lee). Two days ago, I dropped off the necessary sample at the local diagnostic lab. I want this to be treated as soon as possible, get the antibiotics going. Yesterday I called my dad's doctor to make them aware the lab results would be coming their way. The office was closed. This morning I called again; I was told the lab results were on the doctor's desk. I asked to please make sure to take care of it today as it's Friday. Otherwise, it will be next week before any treatment can start. With a sigh, I was told the doc will definitely look at it today.
My second nip went to the head of the music department at one of the schools where I teach. It is now March, and we teachers haven't been paid yet for January and February. All the paperwork comes through this one person, already filled out; he simply needs to approve it and send it to the accounting department. My "niceness" fell out of my briefcase somewhere between February and March. I sent him an email, this one pointed, with none of the diplomatic phrases I'm known for. Heck, this was my third one without a response on the same matter.
Finally, I received a reply! Let the trumpets sound! He said it was news to him that we weren't paid for January. Honestly. Didn't he read my previous two emails, and those of the other teachers? I sensed a touch of hostility.
Nip...Nip....Nip
Both people are probably complaining at this very minute about me. Horray! It means I'm annoying enough that something will be done!
Sometimes, when you have tried to do the right thing and get no cooperation, give fair warning. Next time you won't be so calm about the matter.
I've become one of those crabby old women.
Say Hi to Maxine.
The battles are no longer with my procrastination and other internal roadblocks on the path. By now, I can pretty much trust that I will tend to what needs to be done. It's the others on whom I depend, the professionals, who need to be pushed along. Then my crabby pincers come uncloaked. I don't like it, but when our loved ones are not able to do it for themselves, we are required to step in.
Even before noon today I had to nip at two people.
My dad has an infection (according to "Dr." June Lee). Two days ago, I dropped off the necessary sample at the local diagnostic lab. I want this to be treated as soon as possible, get the antibiotics going. Yesterday I called my dad's doctor to make them aware the lab results would be coming their way. The office was closed. This morning I called again; I was told the lab results were on the doctor's desk. I asked to please make sure to take care of it today as it's Friday. Otherwise, it will be next week before any treatment can start. With a sigh, I was told the doc will definitely look at it today.
My second nip went to the head of the music department at one of the schools where I teach. It is now March, and we teachers haven't been paid yet for January and February. All the paperwork comes through this one person, already filled out; he simply needs to approve it and send it to the accounting department. My "niceness" fell out of my briefcase somewhere between February and March. I sent him an email, this one pointed, with none of the diplomatic phrases I'm known for. Heck, this was my third one without a response on the same matter.
Finally, I received a reply! Let the trumpets sound! He said it was news to him that we weren't paid for January. Honestly. Didn't he read my previous two emails, and those of the other teachers? I sensed a touch of hostility.
Nip...Nip....Nip
Both people are probably complaining at this very minute about me. Horray! It means I'm annoying enough that something will be done!
Sometimes, when you have tried to do the right thing and get no cooperation, give fair warning. Next time you won't be so calm about the matter.
I've become one of those crabby old women.
Say Hi to Maxine.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
New Day
This morning has been a 180 degree difference from yesterday when I woke up. I attibute it to my back being pain-free. Advil PM is a wonderful thing. I avoid medications as much as possible because of their potential collateral damage. But I really needed it this time.
I took the above photo 15 minutes ago. It's proof that better days are coming. In my little corner of the world the winter has been long and hard, hard like stone; the ground indistinguishable in substance from the rocks and pavement.
I recall during the early days of winter how like the season my emotions were. The Spring thaw still more than two months away. At the time, with no hope for an easy out, I could do nothing but accept the circumstances and deal with it the best I could.
While in the middle of adversity, that's all we can do - dig deep into ourselves and find tools, MacGuyver-like, that we can use to stay alive. Some days, simply staying alive mentally is the main goal. Some days, just shoveling a path to the mailbox is the main thing; making the rest of the world accessible to you.
Take a good look at today's photo. Beside the daffodil is a little pile of remaining snow. A small reminder to cherish the coming warm days.
In the same way, my back pain makes me cherish feeling healthy.
I took the above photo 15 minutes ago. It's proof that better days are coming. In my little corner of the world the winter has been long and hard, hard like stone; the ground indistinguishable in substance from the rocks and pavement.
I recall during the early days of winter how like the season my emotions were. The Spring thaw still more than two months away. At the time, with no hope for an easy out, I could do nothing but accept the circumstances and deal with it the best I could.
While in the middle of adversity, that's all we can do - dig deep into ourselves and find tools, MacGuyver-like, that we can use to stay alive. Some days, simply staying alive mentally is the main goal. Some days, just shoveling a path to the mailbox is the main thing; making the rest of the world accessible to you.
Take a good look at today's photo. Beside the daffodil is a little pile of remaining snow. A small reminder to cherish the coming warm days.
In the same way, my back pain makes me cherish feeling healthy.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
March Forth
My spirit is lagging today. My back pain is still acute, and I woke up with a headache. Never mind, life goes on and I'll get past this.
Burdens seem heavy today. I am thankful to God for the gifts He has given me that bless me with an income. But I still need to go out and earn that income. The need to stay on top of my special-needs son's education in addition to guiding him to be the man he was meant to be. The need to be vigilant over every aspect of my father.
I don't want sympathy. My intention is simply to share my "sandwich" experiences with those in similar circumstances. I need a cheerleader for me sometimes, someone who knows how hard this is.
Most of my "home" work and taking care of Dad's needs are done for the day. Before I leave this afternoon for lessons I am going to start reading the new book just published by my favorite author, a NY Times bestseller, whose books I savor. (Although I have never met him - yet -, I feel privileged that he lives just five miles from me, and we have the same doctor.)
Remember recently I sent out a call to action for today, March 4th? Sometimes that action can be no more than simpy getting through the day. My "marching forth" will be simply that today.
My father just called up to me from downstairs. The gallon of milk he picked up from the store this morning has a leak; he needs me to find a new container to put it in, then clean up the puddles. Another emergency.
That novel is waiting with more patience than I am feeling today.
Burdens seem heavy today. I am thankful to God for the gifts He has given me that bless me with an income. But I still need to go out and earn that income. The need to stay on top of my special-needs son's education in addition to guiding him to be the man he was meant to be. The need to be vigilant over every aspect of my father.
I don't want sympathy. My intention is simply to share my "sandwich" experiences with those in similar circumstances. I need a cheerleader for me sometimes, someone who knows how hard this is.
Most of my "home" work and taking care of Dad's needs are done for the day. Before I leave this afternoon for lessons I am going to start reading the new book just published by my favorite author, a NY Times bestseller, whose books I savor. (Although I have never met him - yet -, I feel privileged that he lives just five miles from me, and we have the same doctor.)
Remember recently I sent out a call to action for today, March 4th? Sometimes that action can be no more than simpy getting through the day. My "marching forth" will be simply that today.
My father just called up to me from downstairs. The gallon of milk he picked up from the store this morning has a leak; he needs me to find a new container to put it in, then clean up the puddles. Another emergency.
That novel is waiting with more patience than I am feeling today.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Ice Packs
I'm sitting at my desk. And sitting...and sitting.
I have a back problem that I have just learned will be relieved by ice compresses several times a day. The only way to keep the compress against my back is by sitting in my office chair for the recommended 20 minutes.
Something has gone wrong along the way. Impatience and a running list of what I should be doing, or will do once the 20 minutes are up, are racing through my head.
Why can't I simply relax and honor the short rest and healing?
Because arrogance makes me think I have all the answers, know all the solutions, am in control.
If it is to be, it is up to me.
For thirty years I lived by that advice, when I thought I had heavy obligations and responsibilities. In retrospect, life was a warm breeze on a sunny day then. Both of my parents were healthy, mentally sharp, and self-sufficient. My son hadn't come along yet. Yes, I was more or less in control of my life then.
Over the intervening years, gradual changes occured. Like the formation of the Grand Canyon, the changes can't be seen without considering the overall picture. My parents aged, my Mom passed away, my son was born and is maturing. Generally though, circumstances were in my control.
Now, following my Dad's decline, in order to stay one step ahead in an attempt to avert trouble, I need to send myself out scouting ahead to all the potential scenarios. It's no longer enough to dwell in the present. My thoughts are now programmed to think in the future too.
So...that's what went wrong along the way. In finding everyone else's life, I lost my own. In pain - and in joy - claim your life, be good to yourself.
Apply those ice packs.
I have a back problem that I have just learned will be relieved by ice compresses several times a day. The only way to keep the compress against my back is by sitting in my office chair for the recommended 20 minutes.
Something has gone wrong along the way. Impatience and a running list of what I should be doing, or will do once the 20 minutes are up, are racing through my head.
Why can't I simply relax and honor the short rest and healing?
Because arrogance makes me think I have all the answers, know all the solutions, am in control.
If it is to be, it is up to me.
For thirty years I lived by that advice, when I thought I had heavy obligations and responsibilities. In retrospect, life was a warm breeze on a sunny day then. Both of my parents were healthy, mentally sharp, and self-sufficient. My son hadn't come along yet. Yes, I was more or less in control of my life then.
Over the intervening years, gradual changes occured. Like the formation of the Grand Canyon, the changes can't be seen without considering the overall picture. My parents aged, my Mom passed away, my son was born and is maturing. Generally though, circumstances were in my control.
Now, following my Dad's decline, in order to stay one step ahead in an attempt to avert trouble, I need to send myself out scouting ahead to all the potential scenarios. It's no longer enough to dwell in the present. My thoughts are now programmed to think in the future too.
So...that's what went wrong along the way. In finding everyone else's life, I lost my own. In pain - and in joy - claim your life, be good to yourself.
Apply those ice packs.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Sea(son) Change
I made it back. Not that I actually went away. I was simply kept away.
Obligations. You know the deal.
I took this photo this morning. Just when I was expecting an early Spring!
One thing we can be certain about: change happens, expected or not.
One change I've had recently is in my sleep cycle. I have been a die-hard night owl my entire life. Oh, yes...sleep until 10am, go to bed at 2am. I have been at my most productive between 11pm and 2am. That time of day came with a guarantee I would not be disturbed. No one is likely to call at 1am to sell me a basement waterproofing system, or expect me to prepare dinner.
I had the opportunity this morning to sleep as late as I wanted. Snow declared a stay-home day. But...here's the shock...I didn't want to.
What's happened to me? Maybe I know.
Nighttime isn't the guarantee it once was of being undisturbed. My Dad is likely to get up at any hour during the night. If he sees me up, he will strike up a conversation. Not that I don't like talking to him....but....not at that time. My son has always been a night owl too. He can outlast me any night when it comes to staying up.
Mornings from 6 to 7 are now my sanctuary of solitude. I may have to extend that time at some point soon. An hour isn't nearly enough to do what I must.
Maybe I should consider.....hmmmm.......5:30? Like my own circadian change, I am open to adjusting myself to a changing environment and circumstances. Whether a building, a bridge, or a box, durability results from flexibility. The demands placed on us from caring for our loved ones require that we not be stiff and unyielding. We will break if we are.
What are some ways you can give a little? How has your daily routine changed since you found yourself wedged in between old and young? What small things can you do to re-arrange your day, your life. What do you love to do, and how can you incorporate it into daily life?
Flexibility - today nature reminded me that there is no law that says snow ceases on March 1st or 2nd. It's good to blur the boundaries between what should be and what is.
Obligations. You know the deal.
I took this photo this morning. Just when I was expecting an early Spring!
One thing we can be certain about: change happens, expected or not.
One change I've had recently is in my sleep cycle. I have been a die-hard night owl my entire life. Oh, yes...sleep until 10am, go to bed at 2am. I have been at my most productive between 11pm and 2am. That time of day came with a guarantee I would not be disturbed. No one is likely to call at 1am to sell me a basement waterproofing system, or expect me to prepare dinner.
I had the opportunity this morning to sleep as late as I wanted. Snow declared a stay-home day. But...here's the shock...I didn't want to.
What's happened to me? Maybe I know.
Nighttime isn't the guarantee it once was of being undisturbed. My Dad is likely to get up at any hour during the night. If he sees me up, he will strike up a conversation. Not that I don't like talking to him....but....not at that time. My son has always been a night owl too. He can outlast me any night when it comes to staying up.
Mornings from 6 to 7 are now my sanctuary of solitude. I may have to extend that time at some point soon. An hour isn't nearly enough to do what I must.
Maybe I should consider.....hmmmm.......5:30? Like my own circadian change, I am open to adjusting myself to a changing environment and circumstances. Whether a building, a bridge, or a box, durability results from flexibility. The demands placed on us from caring for our loved ones require that we not be stiff and unyielding. We will break if we are.
What are some ways you can give a little? How has your daily routine changed since you found yourself wedged in between old and young? What small things can you do to re-arrange your day, your life. What do you love to do, and how can you incorporate it into daily life?
Flexibility - today nature reminded me that there is no law that says snow ceases on March 1st or 2nd. It's good to blur the boundaries between what should be and what is.
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