Guilt

As I write today's post, let me remind you that I will be adding (hopefully!) helpful information regarding family dynamics in multi-generational relationships. That is coming.

For the present, though, I am going through the most raw and surprising emotions I experience in the hope that it will strike a chord in you as well. Perhaps you will be reassured that you are not alone.

Guilt. The most unjustified of emotions. Largely self-inflicted and unnecessary. I have an endless supply of it. Here are some of my "justifications" for feeling guilty:

My son has no siblings. I am an only child and I swore, promised myself I would not have just one child. Siblings seem to be nice to have when everyone's grown up. And their kids a ready supply of friends to one degree or another. Would you believe, my son's father is an only child too? So my son has no aunts, uncles, cousins, brothers, sisters, nieces, or nephews.

I am guilty for turning him loose in the world (when that time comes) with no family, not much of a support system. And believe me when I tell you there are other guilts I feel.

I resent my Dad's constant presence in my life. A truly "good" person would graciously tend to his/her aging parent without complaint, in payment for all the sacrifices said parent made for the gracious child's upbringing. A "good" person would happily look forward to each day spent with his/her parent, knowing that the remaining days together are numbered.

I, on the other hand, think of strategies to get away from him for little bits of time. Leaving home for my lessons is always good, and I don't even have to feel guilty about it as it is my job. Oh, wait. I do feel guilt over leaving my son soon after he gets home from school, though. But time away of my choice might be going to the library, for a walk, to lunch with a friend.

I often feel anger towards my Dad. But - I rarely if ever express it. Again, a "good" child should be thankful for this time with his/her parent, not anger! If only.

I don't do enough financially for either my son or my father. My Dad helps me out financially here and there. I should be supporting him, though, not the other way around. Guilty. My son doesn't get the same opportunities to go on vacations as most of his friends. My only income comes from my two hands...nothing comes in from the outside. I am guilty of being lazy (if I weren't my income should be greater, shouldn't it?), selfish (I chose self-employment over corporate dog-eat-dog America long ago). For the bad financial choices I made which makes my Dad and my son do without some things that I would be able to provide for them if I had been smart from the beginning, add dumb to my list of guilt.

Hold on a minute! Doesn't self-imposed guilt cripple us? How is it helping me get through it all? If I were a friend talking to me, what would I say?

What would you say to yourself?

Till tomorrow - remember "Rule #1: Be good to yourself."

Let's explore what that means, soon.